WHY DO I MISS SOMEONE WHO HURT ME? (LOLA, Your Trauma Voice)
The Deep Dive Worksheet: Walking Away From the Machine
This worksheet goes with the blog. It has 7 short activities. Each one tells you exactly what to do, and shows you a filled-in example first, so you always know what your answer should look like.
Take your time. There are no wrong answers here.
1. THE PULL LOG
Instructions: This week, catch the moment the missing pulls at you, big or small. As soon as you notice it, come back and log it: what triggered it, what LOLA started replaying, and what actually got left out of that replay.
What usually pulls the lever for you? (check all that apply)
☐ A song, smell, or place
☐ Seeing something that reminds me of an inside joke
☐ Being alone with my thoughts, especially at night
☐ Seeing them, or someone like them, online
☐ Other: ___________________________
EXAMPLE ENTRY
What triggered it: A song we used to play came on shuffle.
What LOLA started replaying: The one night they drove an hour just to bring me soup when I was sick.
What got left out of that replay: The three weeks before that, where I was walking on eggshells because I never knew which version of them I'd get.
The feeling underneath the missing: Not really them. Just the specific relief of things being okay again.
ENTRY 1 — What triggered it:
What LOLA started replaying:
What got left out of that replay:
The feeling underneath the missing:
ENTRY 2 — What triggered it:
What LOLA started replaying:
What got left out of that replay:
The feeling underneath the missing:
ENTRY 3 — What triggered it:
What LOLA started replaying:
What got left out of that replay:
The feeling underneath the missing:
2. COUNT THE PAYOUTS
Instructions: Write down what the missing is trying to convince you of, rate how sure you actually are, then do the math on the real ratio, not the highlight reel LOLA keeps replaying.
VERY SURE — SOMEWHAT SURE — NOT REALLY SURE — NO IDEA, HONESTLY
EXAMPLE
What the missing is trying to convince me of: "Maybe it wasn't that bad. Maybe I overreacted."
Circled: Somewhat sure.
The payouts (evidence for the belief): The apologies. The good weekends. The "I've changed" texts.
The actual odds (evidence against the belief): Weeks of walking on eggshells for every one good day. Fear, every single time, right before the relief.
The real ratio, as honestly as I can count it: Maybe one good day for every ten hard ones, not the fifty-fifty it feels like in my memory.
What the missing is trying to convince you of:
Circle one above, then write it here:
The payouts (evidence for the belief):
The actual odds (evidence against the belief):
The real ratio, as honestly as you can count it:
3. WHERE THE MACHINE GOT INSTALLED
Instructions: Nobody learns to crave inconsistency out of nowhere. This activity traces back where you first learned that love, safety, or attention came unpredictably, so you can see it as something you learned, not a fact about what you deserve.
EXAMPLE
Where the pattern first got installed: A parent whose warmth depended completely on their mood — affectionate some days, distant with no warning on others.
What I concluded from it: "Love isn't something steady. It's something you catch when it's available, and brace for the rest of the time."
About how old I was: Somewhere around 9 or 10.
Where I'm still applying that lesson today: I get more attached to people who are inconsistent than to people who are steady and kind, because steady feels unfamiliar, almost suspicious.
Where the pattern first got installed:
What you concluded from it:
About how old you were:
Where you're still applying that lesson today:
4. NAME YOUR MOVE
Instructions: When the missing hits, you default to one of two moves: romanticizing it and building a case for going back, or shaming yourself for missing them at all. Circle the one you reach for most.
I ROMANTICIZE IT — I SHAME MYSELF FOR MISSING THEM
EXAMPLE
Circled: I romanticize it.
What this move protects me from: The full grief of admitting the relationship really was as hard as it was.
What it's actually cost me: Almost reaching back out twice this month, over things that, written down, weren't actually that small.
One thing I might do differently if I dropped it for a day: Write down the full timeline before I let myself reread any old messages.
Circle one above, then write it here:
What this move protects you from:
What it's actually cost you:
One thing you might do differently if you dropped it for a day:
5. THE STEADY WINS FILE
Instructions: LOLA is convinced only unpredictable love feels like anything worth having. This activity builds a file of proof against that: real moments, small or ordinary, when a calm, steady connection still felt genuinely good, no chaos required to earn it.
EXAMPLE
"A friend texted back within an hour, no games, no mixed signals, and it didn't feel boring. It felt like I could actually exhale."
1.
2.
3.
Tip: keep this list somewhere you'll see it again, and add to it every time steady turns out to feel better than you expected, not worse.
6. A LETTER FROM AKO TO LOLA
Instructions: AKO is your Higher Self, the part of you that can see the whole pattern, not just the good days. Let AKO write LOLA, your Trauma Voice, a short letter, thanking her for holding onto hope when hope felt necessary, and telling her what's changed since she first learned to crave the good moments this hard.
EXAMPLE
"Dear LOLA, thank you for holding onto every good moment so tightly. I know that hope felt like survival back then, and it probably was. But you don't have to keep chasing relief through the same machine anymore. We're allowed to find steady now, and steady is allowed to be enough."
Dear LOLA,
7. WALK AWAY FROM THE MACHINE
Instructions: The next time the missing hits, instead of reaching back toward them, reach toward one entry from your Steady Wins File, or toward someone steady in your life right now. Decide ahead of time who or what that will be. Predict what you think will happen. Then do it, and come back and write what actually happened.
EXAMPLE
My steady reach this week: Calling my sister instead of opening old messages.
I predict: It'll feel less exciting than the chaos, almost anticlimactic.
What actually happened: It was quiet, and boring in a good way, and I didn't spend the rest of the night spiraling.
Your steady reach this week:
I predict:
What actually happened:
Nothing here proves you didn't care, or that missing them means you were wrong to leave. It proves your nervous system bonded to a cycle, and cycles can be unlearned, one steady moment at a time.
You got this! Nobody is coming to save you… you have to save yourself!
HAPPYISH HUMANS