WHY CAN'T I LET GO OF THE PAST? (LOLA, Your Trauma Voice)
The Deep Dive Worksheet: Taking Off the Old Glasses
This worksheet goes with the blog. It has 7 short activities. Each one tells you exactly what to do, and shows you a filled-in example first, so you always know what your answer should look like.
Take your time. There are no wrong answers here.
1. THE LENS LOG
Instructions: This week, catch the moment LOLA reads a current situation through the old blueprint. As soon as you notice it, come back and log it: what happened, what the blueprint predicted, and the feeling underneath it.
What kind of moments usually trigger the old blueprint for you? (check all that apply)
☐ Someone going quiet or seeming distant
☐ A relationship that's actually going well
☐ Being told "just let it go" or "it's in the past"
☐ A delay in response with no explanation yet
☐ Other: ___________________________
EXAMPLE ENTRY
What actually happened: My partner got quiet after a long day and didn't text back for a few hours.
What the old blueprint predicted: "They're pulling away. This is how it starts before someone leaves."
The feeling underneath it: A specific, familiar bracing, like standing at the edge of something about to fall.
What actually turned out to be true: They were just exhausted and fell asleep on the couch.
ENTRY 1 — What actually happened:
What the old blueprint predicted:
The feeling underneath it:
What actually turned out to be true (fill in once you know):
ENTRY 2 — What actually happened:
What the old blueprint predicted:
The feeling underneath it:
What actually turned out to be true (fill in once you know):
ENTRY 3 — What actually happened:
What the old blueprint predicted:
The feeling underneath it:
What actually turned out to be true (fill in once you know):
2. TEST THE BLUEPRINT
Instructions: Pick one current relationship or situation where the old pattern feels like it's repeating. Rate how sure you actually are, then separate the old blueprint from the actual evidence this specific person has given you.
VERY SURE — SOMEWHAT SURE — NOT REALLY SURE — NO IDEA, HONESTLY
EXAMPLE
The situation: My partner canceled plans twice this month for work.
What the old blueprint says: "They're losing interest. This is what it looks like right before someone checks out."
Circled: Somewhat sure.
What this specific person has actually shown me: Both times, they rescheduled themselves, apologized, and followed through on the new plan.
Does the evidence match the pattern, or just resemble it on the surface?: Only on the surface. The follow-through is the part the old pattern never had.
The situation:
What the old blueprint says:
Circle one above, then write it here:
What this specific person has actually shown you:
Does the evidence match the pattern, or just resemble it on the surface?:
3. WHERE THE LENS WAS GROUND
Instructions: Nobody chooses their attachment blueprint. This activity traces back where yours first got built, so you can see it as a theory that was accurate once, not a fact about how every relationship works now.
EXAMPLE
Where the lens was ground: A parent who was warm and present some days, and completely unavailable the next, with no pattern I could predict.
What I concluded from it: "Closeness comes with no guarantee it'll stay. I should brace for its disappearance even while I'm getting it."
About how old I was: Somewhere around 7 or 8.
Where I'm still applying that lesson today: I brace during the good moments in my relationships instead of just letting myself enjoy them.
Where the lens was ground:
What you concluded from it:
About how old you were:
Where you're still applying that lesson today:
4. NAME YOUR MOVE
Instructions: When the past won't let go, you default to one of two moves: treating the old blueprint as an accurate map of every future relationship, or forcing yourself to "just move on" without ever examining the pattern. Circle the one you reach for most.
I TREAT THE BLUEPRINT AS GOSPEL — I FORCE MYSELF TO MOVE ON WITHOUT LOOKING AT IT
EXAMPLE
Circled: I treat the blueprint as gospel.
What this move protects me from: The vulnerability of being wrong about someone and getting hurt again.
What it's actually cost me: Testing people before they've done anything, and sometimes pushing away the ones who were actually safe.
One thing I might do differently if I dropped it for a day: Ask myself what this specific person has actually shown me, before assuming they'll repeat someone else's pattern.
Circle one above, then write it here:
What this move protects you from:
What it's actually cost you:
One thing you might do differently if you dropped it for a day:
5. THE NEW EVIDENCE FILE
Instructions: The old blueprint is convinced it already knows how this ends. This activity builds a running file of proof against it: real moments, small or big, when the present situation actually broke the old pattern instead of repeating it.
EXAMPLE
"They noticed I got quiet after a hard day and asked what was wrong instead of giving me space I didn't ask for. Old pattern would have been silence meeting silence."
1.
2.
3.
Tip: keep this list somewhere you'll see it again, and add to it every time the present moment quietly refuses to match the old forecast.
6. A LETTER FROM AKO TO LOLA
Instructions: AKO is your Higher Self, the part of you that can tell the difference between an old blueprint and today's actual evidence. Let AKO write LOLA, your Trauma Voice, a short letter, thanking her for building a map that once kept you safe, and telling her what's changed since she first drew it.
EXAMPLE
"Dear LOLA, thank you for building a map when you had no other way to know what was coming. I know that lens kept us prepared once. But not everyone standing in front of us now is wearing the same face as the people who built it. Let me look a little closer before we brace."
Dear LOLA,
7. THIS WEEK'S SIXTY EXTRA SECONDS
Instructions: The next time an uncomfortable, uncertain moment hits, practice staying in it for sixty extra seconds before reacting or reaching for the old story. Predict what you think will happen in those sixty seconds. Then do it, and come back and write what actually happened.
EXAMPLE
The moment I'll practice this on: The gap between sending a vulnerable text and getting a reply.
I predict: I'll want to send a follow-up message to fill the silence within the first thirty seconds.
What actually happened: The urge peaked around second twenty, then eased on its own, and the reply came in before the minute was even up.
The moment you'll practice this on:
I predict:
What actually happened:
Nothing here proves the old blueprint was pointless, or that you were wrong to build it. It proves the map is overdue for an update, and every piece of new evidence gets to redraw a small part of it.
You got this! Nobody is coming to save you… you have to save yourself!
HAPPYISH HUMANS